Monday, March 21, 2011

Are There Dragons in the Soul-Crushing Study Dungeon?

I'm going to go ahead and be straight with you for a bit here. It's not going well.

I severely underestimated how much I would despise going into the school and studying on this spring break Monday. I got in about 10:30 am, and by 2 pm I couldn't take it anymore, so I left. It felt like the oppressive forces of the USMLE Step 1 were physically trying to crush me. It doesn't help that my scores for the finals went up and let's just say all those hours I spent didn't really show up in my performance on a couple subjects. At the moment I'm still passing all my classes, but it's March - of my second year - shouldn't I know how to study for these by now?

The post-test depression leads me now to have this conundrum: no matter what else I do with my day, it isn't the studying I was supposed to be doing, so it doesn't make me happy. At the same time when I sit and try to study, my mind just drifts to what it will be like talking to the academic review board or getting pulled out of my rotation if I fail boards and have to take them over, because I couldn't study, because I was too busy feeling depressed. I've cried multiple times today. It's been two years of feeling like I'm barely making it and I really miss feeling like I'm good at something.

Things that would normally make me happy just didn't sound fun today at all. For dinner I heated up some pre-cooked rice, steamed a couple carrots, and gave it a dollop of teriyaki sauce. Don't get me wrong, it was fine, but usually a semi-vacation Monday night would call for a new recipe or something. The idea of getting off my bed and going to the grocery store was entirely overwhelming. I watched a few too many TV shows, though it wasn't particularly fun, and I found myself watching the clock and willing it to be bedtime.

It's now 8:20 pm and I might go to bed.

I leave you with pictures of breakfast (a bowl much like yesterday's but with a different cereal) and dinner, the culinary creation of an energy-less girl.

No idea what makes this "slim" but it's crunchy and good with yogurt.

Maybe it's me projecting, but I feel like this dinner looks sad too?


sarah (SHU) said...

ahhh don't be disheartened! it is HARD what you are doing. one thing that helped me is having a plan for what exactly was to be studied -- that way if you absolutely feel like you can't do it, you can redistribute it to a later time and NOT feel so guilty. if you take time off enjoy it! you probably needed it :)

Mina said...

Don't feel bad. Take a break. I suck at studying too. I just realized we have the same juicer. I LOVE freshly squeezed orange juice. Hope you feel better and everything goes well :)

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