Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Vegan MoFo 18: WIAW/Tachy Med Student in Tears

Welcome to Chapter 3 of the What I Ate Wednesday/Vegan Month of Food crossover. As always a big thanks to Jenn at Peas and Crayons.

And now I need to tell you about my day and say a few things that aren't positive. It's extremely hard to admit when I'm having a hard time, but I can't keep letting this all just rattle around in my head. 

I actually had a pretty awful day yesterday. I was kind of a disaster at my outpatient pediatric clinic rotation. I always forget something with this attending, and I missed some apparent wheezing and difficulty breathing yesterday that she's talked to me about before and told me to be sure to look for. I feel like a huge disappointment, because it must look like I don't care or didn't listen or wasn't paying attention, when in fact it kills me every single time I miss something and I just couldn't hear or see it. I believe her when she says it's there, but I've heard like 3 people wheezing so far in my life and I just couldn't hear it. I'm so afraid she thinks I'm just lazy and wasting her time. 

I'm just constantly forgetting a question or screwing up in some other way. Yesterday when I did my weight check diet history I forgot to ask what kind of cereal they eat and what kind of bread they make their PBJ on. Forget the fact that I did ask what they eat for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks, how much water, how much juice, how much milk they get. It doesn't matter what I remember, I never feel like I do anything right because I always forget something. I've become a trembling anxious mess every time I go and I've cried every day this week. I have a physical pain in my chest from holding back tears and the desire to just scream at the top of my lungs while I work. I can't really tell what this attending actually thinks of me, she's never yelled or anything, but I just have this constant drowning feeling like I'm a pretty big disappointment, and all I want to be is good and helpful and not a screw-up. 

It's been a month now of going to clinic and feeling like the worst med student ever. My rotation ends tomorrow, and even though I love pediatrics, being constantly evaluated every minute of the day by people who's opinion can significantly affect my career is not something I'm handling very well. 

When I got to my car after morning clinic I started crying really hard and my nose bled all over my car and dress. I had to walk back into the clinic to get a tissue with blood running to my elbows. It's still on my steering wheel. And then I had to go back for the afternoon and do it all again. 

I skipped my morning workout and tried to run in the afternoon - but my muscles got all crampy because I kept crying during my run too and not breathing very well.

I have a great roommate (Katie) who wrote me a note, helped me get the blood out of my dress, and bought me some chocolate. Chocolate's better than a band-aid I think, and it works on the soul. It didn't stop the tears, but it gave me a good reason in stop crying at least long enough to take a bite. 

So here it is - WIAW in tears. 

Breakfast: Yogurt bowl. 1/2 cup Kashi Autumn Wheat cereal, vanilla soy yogurt, frozen strawberries, 1/2 banana.

Lunch: Tofurky sandwich on Ezekiel Bread. Apple.

Dinner: Amy's No Chicken Noodle Soup. Frozen peas added - to cut the salt. 

Snack: Soy fruit yogurt (unpictured). New favorite chocolate, thanks to Katie. 

If the background look like the inside of a refrigerator - it is. I'm storing it there because it's still 80+ degrees here and it will otherwise melt. 

Today I set myself the goal of just not bleeding on myself. Successful so far, but it's only 4 pm. 

Tomorrow I have to go through my rotation evaluation with my attending. I'm afraid if I try to speak I'll cry - but I just want to tell her I appreciated her teaching me and I wasn't trying to waste her time by being an idiot.

I don't know what to ask. Any advice for my overwhelming feelings of failure?

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